The BDSM movie your Mom would approve of: 50 Shades Of Grey

Quick Note: I didn’t read the books, I don’t care to read the books, and I will not read the books, so if there are major plot points/themes I’m missing from them, please don’t tell me.

Widely regarded as the most accessible “kinky sex” book, you could bet the barn that 50 Shades was of course going to be made into a giant, high-budget movie. When I first heard about this, I figured they would just tone it down and give it a PG-13 rating, but as the date came closer and the “R” rating was released, I thought this may have a chance for being something challenging. Unfortunately, my faith in massive studios was misplaced, as the BDSM/sex scenes could have easily been toned down just a notch or two to fit on HBO or some such network. While slightly titillating, they didn't seem to take any chances given the subject material, but hey maybe the book was this tame too.

The sex scenes were the least of my problems with this flick though. This movie is going to get DESTROYED by people who do Rifftrax or other movie commentaries (Think Mystery ScienceTheater 3000). The dialogue is so badly written and the acting (particularly Mr. Grey himself) is so wooden it caused the whole theater to laugh unintentionally for at least 30% of the movie. The characters themselves are so over-done it’s impossible to relate to. How does a 22-year old woman IN COLLEGE not know what a “buttplug” is? Seriously? And this is with her 4.0 GPA that she clumsily drops out of nowhere in the first 15 minutes. Christian Grey himself is a whole other problem. If the big reveal of this movie was that he was a successful business man who struggles through a case of Asperger’s syndrome, that would be a bigger twist/shock than anything else present in the film. I lost it when they said they were falling for each other. What is there to love? I’ve seen Jack O’ Lanterns that have more personality.



See what I mean?

There was so much more that I didn't understand throughout, and that’s not even touching the many different societal issues that have been brought up by people more culturally in tune than yours truly. The interwebs have blown up about the sexism and oppression that occurs, but again it’s hard to take any of those things seriously with everything else going on. You’re telling me that a billionaire playboy has a specific pair of torn jeans that he wears every time he goes into his BDSM chamber? Did they only have the rental space to shoot for a few days and he only brought the one pair? And a girl is completely cool with her sorta-BF FLYING ACROSS THE COUNTRY to take her on an airplane date in front of her mother? I’ve dated girls for months at a time who didn't want their parents to know they were dating anyone, and I’m a huge push-over! Maybe that’s why….Sorry I’m getting off track here.

In fact, here's a quick list of things just off the top of my head about Ana that are ridiculous and heavily cliched:

• Ana bit her lips so much you could pretty much just call her Bella. In fact, its acknowledged in the script!!! Are you intentionally calling yourself out as the Twilight fan-fic you started as??
• She drives a VW Bug, works in a hardware store, and lives in Portland? No kidding!!! Did they get the inspiration from the "Being Quirky" SNL skit?
• The idea of her having a broke computer comes up 3-4 times, but somehow she pulls a clunker out instead of her brand new Macbook when doing "research"? When was it fixed?
• She's never had an "intimate moment" with anyone looking like that and being raised outside of a monastery? If there was a side-plot about her running away from nunnery or a devout Catholic, sure.
• I know its all about "true love" or whatever, but a billionaire 27 year old can't find a girl who's as good looking as Ana and is into the same stuff he is? Or is that part of the reason he likes her? Just seems like it wouldn't be worth the trouble and time to me, but hey I don't even own a working computer so there you go.
• Ana freaks out after being whipped by Christian, even though she stayed through the whole time in the "playroom", which is such a stupid name. That whole part didn't make any sense to me. Did either of them see having a different reaction after that?? If she didn't like it, why didn't she just leave at the first and say "you're out of your mind, find someone else to beat on"? Oh, and nice sequel bait at the end there.

Look, I get how it’s important and interesting to open up these sexual themes and kink into the public conscious, but this is just such a laughable attempt. If you want to see something in the same “genre” but actually want to get something out of it, I recommend:

• Secretary for those who think this is a “love story”. This film doesn't take itself near as seriously, and allows their flawed characters to have some personality and fun within the world. James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall are both very talented performers, and they bring a nuance to the role that other…performers couldn’t do. This makes three dimensional characters that you can (sort of) relate to, and this makes you actually care about what happens in their relationship. (Final Score: B+)
• Nymphomaniac for those who are more interested in the BDSM/Kink parts of the tale (Specifically Part 2). I had the misfortune of watching this movie while extremely hung-over and by myself, and it really screwed with my mind. In fact, a lot of the scenes are permanently burned into my memory, which is something that I can’t say about 50 Shades. The BDSM relationship that the lead Joe gets involved in is so visceral and voyeuristic it makes 50 Shades look like a Cinemax movie. In “movie” terms it is not as enjoyable as 50 Shades as it is an incredibly grim/disturbing/serious tale. But again a more talented team creates characters with stronger motivations for going through this pain than “He’s got a great 6 pack and a billion dollars”. (Final Score: D+) 

Overall, 50 Shades of Grey ended up being a pretty enjoyable ride, but not even close for the reasons it was built for. The clichéd characters, tame sex scenes, and horrendous acting make for a movie that is easily the best comedy so far of 2015. In fact, if you want a chuckle, I would wholeheartedly recommend this over The Interview. If you are looking for a serious love tale with highs and lows, doms and subs, I would suggest looking elsewhere.

Final Score: D-