Best Movie for Bald Men 2015: Furious 7

Hi and howdy gang,

Some would say its unbelievable. Some would say inconceivable. But the truth of the matter is the Bro-tastic movie about drag racers in California has spawned 6 sequels and turned into a globe-trotting epic. And even more surprising, like George Clooney it has only gotten better with age!

Up to the 7th my top picks for the series would have either been Tokyo Drift or Fast and Furious 6, and I have heard through the grape-vine that Fast Five is widely considered the "Strikes Back" of the series.  To be honest, I don't really need to see any of the other sequels, because I guarantee Furious 7 will completely blow them out of the water.

#ThemDomes!

Normally this would be the part where I give a brief summary of the plot, but I assume most of you would just skip that anyway. What we have here is a Super Hero movie, plan and simple. If you changed the names of the characters and put it into a Heroes-esque world of para-humans or whatever, you would have a pretty solid new IP that could be built into some serious sequels. Instead, you posit a world in which two bald men initiate a fight by, intentionally, RAMMING THEIR CARS TOGETHER, then get out and start fist fighting.

If you read that sentence and say to yourself "Sam, you handsome bastard, that sounds incredible. And did you say, 'Bald Men', even better!", go ahead and see this one in theaters. Its worth it. If not, I would recommend the white knuckle thrill ride of Downtown Abbey to tide you over until next Oscar season.

I've seen toast that's wetter than this

In all seriousness, this movie is awesome. The fight choreography is tight, the stunts are insane, and the one-lines groan inducing. It is sad to see Paul Walker pass away last year, but it gives Vin Diesel more screen time which he uses mostly to spout one-liners about the family, wink at the camera, and deadlift a sports car (which is almost a plot point in and of itself). This series has accepted that this guy is pretty much unbreakable, which is highlighted by a late fight scene between him and Jason Stath-I mean "Shaw" where he gets brained in the head by a piece of rebar and shrugs it off like a jab from Ludacris. Again, its stupid, but incredible to see.

The rest of the cast falls into the easy tropes of Comic Relief (Earn that Paycheck, Tyrese), computer/smart guy (Luda!), Hot girl (the chick that Grey Worm wants to bang), feisty Latina (take a wild guess), and token white family member guy (RIP Paul). You also have Dwayne Johnson, who I could watch read the phone book. That guy just exudes charisma and charm, and while hospitalized pretty early in the movie completely steals it when he flexes SO HARD he breaks out of a cast.

Incredible!

My friend, who is a doctor, says that action is quote "100% physically impossible" end-quote, but evidently he doesn't understand the world that we are dealing with here.


While I had bottom gutter expectations that were completely exceeded, there were a couple things that seemed like missed chances. First of, there were several times that monster one-liners could have been dropped and instead feel flat. One time Vin looks directly at the camera and says something to the tune of "This time, we will have to be more than Fast". Period, cut to different scene. Come on, Vin! I practically screamed "we need to be Furious" but then realized I was in a dark room with 5 other people and bit my tongue.  Also, super hot UFC Rhonda Roussey is in a brief moment to be an unwitting pawn against Michelle Rodriguez's badassery, and she doesn't even throw her in an arm-bar! Weak!

They also put a lot of effort into bringing all characters to the front-light and forced in some cheese-tastic romance and friendly banter moments, but these are clearly just some filler to make this movie more than 45 minutes of rap-video edits, cars flying through the air, and people being thrown through various planes and tables of glass.

At the end of the day there really isn't much else to say. Is it awesome and cool to watch? Yes. Will the tight acting and smooth plot garner some serious acamdemy attention? Absolutely not. If you are like me and have some spare time to head to the cinemas, this is an easily pick for the drought of entertainment between the indie-heavy winter and big blockbuster summer.

Oh, and if you are chrome-dome like the large man writing this, you owe it to the rest of us to finance this. Represent!

Final Grade: B+

As made mention earlier, there is not much else coming out soon, so I think I'll have another Netflix round-up for the people playing the literal home game.

I'll catch you in a dark room somewhere,

Tuck

Birthday Overview: Two for One!

Howdy there cats and kittens!

First off let me just say thanks for all the lovely people that wished me a happy birthday!

I know the BTLs out there are clamoring for more content and you are in luck! Due to unfortunate circumstances I will have a lot of time on my hands in the next few weeks, so get ready for a barrage of posts wither you like it or not! For your reading pleasure I have two great movies to talk about today, one being incredibly obscure and the other coming to you through your favorite streaming service(s?):

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night (2014/2015):

On paper this movie sounds like something that was made from a drunken film mad-libs: A Iranian western vampire drama set in a fictional city but shot in California that goes through the dramas of 20 somethings who are aimless and looking for love.

And yes, its as weird as it sounds. But also hauntingly beautiful.

The bleak landscape that hey chose has a very surreal affect on the viewing (think the Minnesota Frozen wastelands from Fargo and your close to on point for this) and the stark black and white cinematography sets a very distinctive visual style. I dragged my dad - who for those playing the home game is a minister and generally stays away from anything that's not a comedy - and while expecting him to hate it was surprised when he said he really liked it! The story isn't anything that is super outside the norm but the characters all cut a very unique path. The two leads, one the ancient vampire who looks like a young girl and the other the James Dean wannabe, work so well together, and while they share hardly any dialogue you can see that they are both looking for something to complete their lives. While the story isn't horrible it really plays second fiddle to the feeling this movie exudes. Each shot is almost photogenic in his composition, beautifully highlighting the internal and external struggles that everyone is going through.

If this was still in theaters, I would highly recommend you to check it out. Granted it is incredibly bizarre and nonsensical at times, but it has a lot for the both the indie film fan and more mainstream audiences.

Also, for you cat lovers, there is perhaps the most handsome cat that has ever graced the silver screen. He gets so much screen time he may as well be a secondary character!

Final Grade: A-

Side Effects (2013):

Streaming now on Netflix, this film went fairly unnoticed in theaters. Steven Soderburgh released this in close succession to both Magic Mike and Haywire, and of the three it probably went the most unnoticed, which is a shame as it is a very tight thriller that I did not expect to be so engrossing. 

Obviously a big draw for this film is the whole cast. Rooney Mara (naked), Channing Tatum (half naked), Jude Law (fully clothed), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (doesn't matter what she's wearing) all own and kill their roles. While I'm not sure its completely intentional - Soderburgh is so prolific I imagine it has to be - the movie teases with your perceptions of these actors, playing them both with and against what you would expect. Its hard to talk a lot about what happens without breaking into some major spoilers, but to suffice to say its a good watch if nothing else is on. It can be very intense at times and doesn't really say much outside of the well written story and acting, but overall is a very strong selection to pull up on the Flix.

Final Grade: B+

Apologies for the brevity here, but there's not a whole ton more to say about either of these except "Check them out".

Until Next Time,

Big Tuck Tucking

00-R: Kingsman: The Secret Service

If you go to any movie websites or visit Facebook on the reg, you’ve probably been bombarded with ads for this one. Pop-ups, recommended links, trailers playing automatically, the whole shebang. Generally I don’t trust movies that get released with this much forced fan-fare, assuming the studios are trying to push out something that doesn’t stand on its own merit or that it’s the same quality as the Divergent/Hunger Games/Maze Runner series. Furthermore, the idea of pompous and middle-aged Colin Firth playing an unstoppable badass kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Bruce Willis? Sold. Liam Neeson? Sure, he’s proven himself. Sean Penn? Now I’m starting to be suspect. The guy from The Kings Speech, Mama Mia, and Bridget Jones Diary? Get out of town.

That being said, I remember Warrior was released with the same force, and that movie was surprisingly great. Could Kingsman surprise me in the same vein???

Released in the typical drought of post Oscars, Kingsman is a thoroughly enjoyable action fare. Matthew Vaughn shows that he has a great feel when it comes to a kinetic shoot-em up, and he really draws your attention to the actions on the screen. It can be a little jarring at first, but the fight and gun scenes convey the frantic pace and moves in a way that has you feel the inertia. The opening scene of two agents delivering headshots, from a helicopter, with “Money for Nothing” blasting in the background pretty much sets the tone. If you try to take this seriously, you will be disappointed, so turn off your brain, enjoy your popcorn, and invest in the insanity.

On the surface the movie is set up as an R-Rated James Bond, the two parts of the story work pretty well together. The A-plot of a lisping Samuel Jackson (who has gotten to the point of pretty much playing himself in every role) taking over the world (OF COURSE!) using cellular phones is fine if not a little bland, and the introduction of an independent spy agency works as well.  Gadgets are cool, style is impeccable, and stuffy British tropes are in full effect. The B-plot of a street-smart recruit clashing with the high-society agency and classmates gives the film some sort of emotional core, with Taron Egerton stealing his scenes. He must have just missed the new Star Wars casting deadline, and I’m sure we are going to see a lot of him in the near future. Sure, it can be predictable and ham-fisted, but consider the source material these beats and twists are supposed to be telegraphed miles away…I think. 

Colin Firth really shows off his 6 months of training, and I have to say he pulls off the sophisticated badass pretty well. While never strictly intimating, he carries himself with an air of authority and class which can be threatening. The rest of the acting is fine, with all the notable actors doing a passable if not memorable job.

*SPOILERS*

From the other reviews I’ve read, there’s been a ton of controversy in regards to the Church scene. For those who are still reading, this is where Colin Firth gets “rage infected” and murders a building full of West Baptero-style goers. I could see why people could be offended at this “senseless” showing of violence, I took it in a way different light. Similar to some of the fight scenes from Kill Bill that where way over the top, it surpasses any semblance of reality and almost becomes comical in its violence. Maybe I’m just desensitized to this whole thing, but it’s not like Vaugh hasn’t done something like this in the past (Here’s looking at you, Kick-Ass) and he’s a capable enough director to make it something to behold.

*END SPOILERS*

Overall, Kingsman was a very enjoyable movie. As mentioned above, it is the kind of popcorn movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously and won’t exactly engross you in its tight-knit story lines or deep political messages. The longer fight scenes are awesome, there’s some snappy dialogue, and everything else falls in line. It’s not a must-see movie, but when it inevitably comes out on Netflix in a few months, grab a few friends and twelve pack if you got nothing else to do. Hell, make a drinking game out of every death by blade or spy-gadget and you’ll be in the bag by the halfway point.

Final Grade: B